Two artists, two lives, two tragic ends

Amy Winehouse died July 23, 2011, age 27

Jani Lane, lead singer of Warrant, died Aug. 11, 2011, age 47

Winehouse didn't surprise me...it was just a matter of time. That is not a judgment on HOW she died. I defer to the official autopsy report and the still-pending toxicology report. I am simply saying I'm not surprised.

Jani, a guy I started listening to when he was the lead singer of Warrant (and as I pointed out many times before, my first concert...not to mention my first live national act performance ever, as Warrant was the opening band) surprises me.

I am bummed by both.

Winehouse had this sassy screw-the-world attitude in her songs that had these jazzy-soulful undertones that I have never heard before. She had so much potential and I am disappointed that the world will not get to know more of her music. I am hoping for some unreleased tracks to be released, similar to Jim Croce.

Lane had had a huge impact on my life. I remember blaring the completely inappropriate teen anthem Cherry Pie (see video below) while on deliveries with my dad.

As crazy as this sounds, my "Birds and the Bees" talk went like this:

Dad (knocking on door and walking into my room): "Your mom wants me to talk to you about the sex thing. Any questions?"

Me: "Nope."

Dad (walking out and closing the door behind him): "Let me know if you do."

That's the last discussion we had about that exact topic.

Songs like Cherry Pie and bands like Warrant taught me - for better or for worse - about sex. And for this I thank Jani and Company very very much.

The only thought more frightening or depressing is that these things always come in threes. I'm not looking forward to seeing who is next.

The Waiting Game: "Have You Learned Patience Yet?"

I have taken the next big step in the process of trying to get the dispatching job and turned in my background check packet the last week of July. Now it is just a waiting game to see what happens next.

I feel pretty good about it. I know what is in my background. It's pretty boring. But that didn't make the background check difficult to fill out. It was about 15 pages of very personal questions, and included things that I can't believe would affect my ability to do or not do this job. But I get it: It's also a test to see if I am honest and can be trusted. I prided myself in building those trusting relationships in my last job, so we'll see if I can build that same kind of trust here.

I turned in the packet three days before the deadline, and thought that it would be assigned to an investigator shortly after they received it. Turns out, that is not the case. When I called last week to make sure they got it, and if they needed any other information, the detective informed me that they did get it, but it hadn't been assigned to an investigator yet. That was a week to the day after I turned it in.

Sometimes things happen that resonate across many aspects of my life. For many months now, my oldest son and I have talked about being patient and learning patience. Whether it is in a doctor's office waiting room or in traffic, or any number of other places, sometimes we just have to wait for things to happen and we can't control how quickly it happens.

Just this past Wednesday, Evan and I were driving around and we got to a particular intersection that, according to the Ohio Department of Transportation, is mis-marked. It is a two-way stop, but the stop signs are facing the wrong direction. They should face the east and west sides of the intersection, not the north and south sides. At either rate, nobody in town treats it like a two-way stop. People turn left there in front of others all of the time.

I, on the other hand, get pretty frustrated when people don't follow basic traffic laws. I also hate turning left. I'll go out of my way in order to make all right-hand turns if it means a less stressful drive to my destination. So I get to the intersection, with Evan in the back, and I stop behind a car that has been going 20 MPH all 2 miles up a 35 MPH road, so I'm already frustrated from being stuck behind a car that deserves a slow moving vehicle triangle. The driver c.....r.....e.....e.....p.....s through the intersection.

So I wait for the big delivery truck coming the opposite way to take his turn. He was there first, it's a 2-way stop, and I intend to turn left. I have not yet turned on my blinker because I have come to anticipate situations just like what I am experiencing here: The driver just sits there, like it's my turn. I want to turn left, he is going straight, and he was there first. It is clearly his turn. But no. There is absolutely no movement on his side.

I start to wonder if he is having a heart attack or something that is preventing him from driving in a forward motion. Then I see him check for oncoming traffic for what seems to me to be the fifth time, and the road is empty. There is nothing for miles. I literally had not seen that particular road that empty for years.

Then another vehicle pulls up behind the truck at the stop sign. Knowing that I intend to turn left, I know I will have to wait for the guy behind the truck as well since I try very hard to follow traffic laws.

It is at this point that I say (out loud) "screw this," along with another colorful word or two of choice words, and CROSS the empty intersection, and the oncoming truck still has not moved. That is why I didn't turn on my turn signal: because most of the time, I end up going straight through that particular intersection out of frustration and people's ignorance about how a two-way stop works. Instead, I will drive around the block. It's quicker than waiting any more.

So after my very brief one-line outburst, my oldest son (he's in the back seat, remember? I didn't...oops!!!!) says to me, "have you learned patience yet, Dad?"

What could I say? He's smart and he had me cold right after a moment of frustration. I responded the only way I could "Not today, I haven't."

"I can teach you," he offered.

"You learned patience already?" I asked him, starting to smile.

"I learned it last week. At school."

I had to laugh. It also made me think about how the day before I had found out that an investigator hadn't started looking at my background check yet.

Isn't it strange how a simple incident can turn into an across-the-board lesson...or at least a reminder?

I'm ready to go back to work full-time. I'm ready to interview and prove to them why I am absolutely perfect for this dispatching job.

I'm ready to talk to them and convince them that while I was a journalist, dispatching is a serious profession that I am honestly pursuing: This is not a temporary or fill-in job for me. This is a conscious effort to change my career path and my family's future. This is the direction that I am dedicated to going.

I am ready for the next step and I am anxious to work. I just have to continue being patient. Hopefully, my son will continue to help me with that.

What does it all mean?

I'm bored.

Not really. I was laid off from my job as a writer for the local newspaper on Feb. 17. I had been there for 10 1/2 years. It was my first job out of college, and my first career. I planned to stay there and retire.

I had an inkling that it may be coming, so I e-mailed myself all of my contact numbers and e-mail addresses about three weeks before the axe fell. I thought maybe I was safe, but there is no such thing, come to find out.

I'm not bitter. I'm mad, frustrated, scared and flat-out broke, but not bitter.

And tonight I feel optimistic. That usually isn't a word that is in a journalist's vocabulary. You can only report on so many murders and assaults and drug busts and lies before you get a little jaded and stop believing in and trusting people.

This layoff has been a blessing in that way. I have had the opportunity to get to know my five-month-old son, Kaleb and what all of his cries and funny sounds mean. I have been able to spend more time with my 5-year-old son, Evan, who recently earned his yellow belt with a stripe in karate. I have had a chance to argue, cry, be afraid, learn, establish a plan, and truly reconnect with my wife, Jenn.

I have fought with job and family services at both the local and state level. I have been frustrated by the incapacity of the people at the Child Support Enforcement Agency to have a heart or to allow me to look out for the son who lives with me. I have accused a credit card "counselor" of being a heartless, uncompassionate liar, and I have told more people than I can count that you can't squeeze blood from a stone.

At the same time, I have seen unbelievable acts of kindness, from unwavering multi-pronged support from my parents, a surprise hug from my brother (unheard of!), support from my in-laws, a surprise phone call from a former co-worker, constant e-mails from one co-worker and two colleagues, numerous visits from a close friend who has seen me deal with a lot of emotional baggage through the years, an unbelievable act of kindness from my Internet Service Provider, and hundreds of dollars in reduced fees from another creditor.

It is these acts of kindness that are helping to eliminate that jaded state of my soul and make me a better husband, father, son, and overall person.

So now, I take care of Kaleb 3 days a week. During the other two days, I run around madly trying to find a new job. Every other weekend and on Wednesday nights we add Evan to the fray. At all times, I am doing housework; searching for the Bigger, Better Job; and reading a variety of hints and tips on how to survive this crisis we currently are in.

Last night, Jenn and I watched the 1983 movie Mr. Mom. Jenn and I both noticed that it pretty much describes us to a T. I just haven't become addicted to the soaps...yet.

So this all leads me to reason this blog is titled "Stronger Now" and has the phrase "rise fall rise again" in the address.

Those are references to two songs that are appropriate to current events and previous events in my life. While the specifics of the songs do not always directly coincide with those events, the sentiments of the songs remain the same. I have included the lyrics here:

Broken Beat and Scarred
By Metallica
(Listen to it here)

You rise, you fall, you're down, then you rise again
What don't kill you make you more strong
You rise, you fall, youre down, then you rise again
What don't kill you make you more strong

Rise, fall, down, rise again
What don't kill you make you more strong
Rise, fall, down, rise again
What don't kill you make you more strong

Through black days
Through black nights
Through pitch black insights

Breaking your teeth on the hard life coming
Show your scars
Cutting your feet on the hard earth running
Show your scars
Breaking your life
Broken, beat and scarred
But we die hard

The dawn, the death, the fight to the final breath
What don't kill you make you more strong
The dawn, the death, the fight to the final breath
What don't kill you make you more strong

Dawn, death, fight, final breath
What don't kill you make you more strong
Dawn, death, fight, final breath
What don't kill you make you more strong

They scratched me
They scraped me
They cut and rape me

Breaking your teeth on the hard life coming
Show your scars
Cutting your feet on the hard earth running
Show your scars
Breaking your life
Broken, beat and scarred
But we die hard

Breaking your teeth on the hard life coming
Show your scars
Cutting your feet on the hard earth running
Show your scars
Braiding your soul in a hard luck story
Show your scars
Spilling your blood in a hot suns foray
Show your scars
Breaking your life
Broken, beat and scarred
We die hard

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Stronger Now
By Warrant
(Listen to it here)

I held you for a moment in my hands
The moment with you slipped away like sand
Through my fingers now
In front of me a choice I have to make
To carry on or simply fade away
I lose you either way
I'd like to say that it was easy, it was hard
To say goodbye, I thought that I would die
Chorus
Letting go of you, was so hard to
And I thought that it would kill me but I made
It through somehow, and I'm so much stronger now
I gave to you my love and my respect
But I could never make you love me back
I denied it so
I grew bitter watching you grow cold
My life became your prison, took it's toll
I decided
Like a bird that's trapped
Inside a gilded cage
It's right to set it free,
Hurts to watch it
Fly away
Letting go of you, was so hard to
And I thought that it would kill me but I made
It through somehow, and I¹m so much stronger now

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The themes of those two songs embody what life and this blog are all about: We rise, fall, get down, then we rise again. What doesn't kill us makes us more strong, and I AM stronger now. But I know I will fall again. We all have our days. It's how we come out on the other side that counts.

As Andy Dufresne said in the movie The Shawshank Redemption, "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."