At What Cost?

After nine months of fighting, we finally got our day in court.

Without getting into the details, here are the basics: I have spent the last 10 years wishing to spend more time with my oldest son with less interference from his mom. I was always afraid to fight her for that time in court until two back-to-back incidents last spring convinced me it was time to stand up for my rights as a father, and for our rights as a family.

And yet, I was still scared to do anything about it. With my wife's loving nudge and encouragement, I finally sued my e-wife for more time with my son.

The process took nine months, five attorneys, one judge and stupid amounts of money to settle. And as of today, it IS settled. But am I? Is my wife? Is my son? Is his mom? Is my youngest son? At this point, I don't know. The case has only been settled for 9 hours as of this writing, so it's still too fresh. I have a general feel for what the papers say, but I need a couple of days of distance to be able to look at it with clear eyes and a clear mind and really comprehend it.

So when friends on social media or in face-to-face conversation ask me how it went, I find myself simply saying "it went well," and leaving it at that. And I'm not lying. It did go well. It also went horribly. It went in a way that is depressing. It also went in a way that is depleting. I'm tired and worn out emotionally. It has been a worm that has consumed my every waking moment for almost a year. This experience has been soul-sucking, not only for me, but also for my wife. 

The stress and pressure continue because there are parts of the agreement that made my wife disappointed with me. And that hurts, because I truly did my best to stand up for our family as best I could, while at the same time knowing that we wouldn't get everything we wanted. That's part of the negotiation process. No matter how right you are, you still don't get everything you want.

So did we win? Yes. We got more time with less interference, which was our goal...even if it wasn't as much time as we wanted to get.

Did we lose? Yes. Right now I am a physical wreck. I want to sleep, but my mind won't shut up long enough to allow that. I have slept for a total of 10 hours in the past two nights. And then there's the question of the money. We spent nine months paying five attorneys to do what we should have been able to sit down and work out together in a matter of days, maybe with just one attorney. But my son's mother and I were both prideful. We were stubborn. We were immature in some ways. And above all, we both HAD to be RIGHT.

Yes, we won. But at what cost? There are no true winners in these situations. 

There are so many ways that It's a Wonderful Life ties into this.

• Yes, it cost money. And yes, the bills will be painful for a while. But like George Bailey, we fought for our family. And for that, the price can never be too high.
• There was a moment in the negotiations where I had to firmly put my foot down and strongly and clearly say that I would not accept one of her requests. But I followed it up with an encouraging word that there were still alternatives to consider. It was very much like George during the bank run when he told the mob "We can get through this, but ... we've got to have faith in each other." The truth is that I have no faith in the ex. But I had to trust that she would be rational enough to help create a solution instead of continuing to be part of the problem.
• At the beginning of It's a Wonderful Life, we hear prayers from Gower, Mary, Ma Bailey, Nick, Janey, and a host of others as they pray for George. These are called prayers of intersession. Having kept this issue mostly private, I took to Facebook on the morning of the trial/negotiations, requesting support from everyone who was willing to give it:

         

Our friends and family came through in huge ways. I even had someone offer to take me up on the Footloose video. THANK YOU ALL for that support. I can honestly tell you that it did have a calming effect on me as I sat in the negotiations.

We all have choices to make. George could have let his brother drown. He could have chosen to go to college and let the Building and Loan close instead of taking his father’s position. He didn't do either of those things, and it cost him. Over and over and over again, it cost him. But he made those decisions - those sacrifices and hard choices - to protect his family. I did the same and I would do it again in a minute. I might do a couple of things a little differently, but I in general, I like the outcome.

Now we have a choice to make. We can be grateful and celebrate what we DID get, knowing that God has this and it's part of His plan, or we can let the sacrifices that we made eat us alive. 

In short, we can be right, or we can be happy. I choose to be happy. After all, it's finally over and we got extra time with my oldest son on a regular basis. We have plans for that time, and we're taking the little brother along with us. Maybe we’ll climb Mt. Bedford.

What have you done lately where counting the cost hurts, but it's still worth the effort? Feel free to comment below. While you are at it, show your support for fathers everywhere by tweeting #fathershaverightstoo and tag me at @iawlfan and @iawb.

How did I do THAT????

It's been a while since I posted, and that has very much been on purpose.

It seems like I have had good feelings about several job prospects, talked about them here, and they fell through. I got superstitious about it and decided to just stop with the updates.

But something happened recently that completely blew my mind, so I am here to brag about it!!!

Last week, I took the written portion of the civil service exam for the City of Perrysburg.

I have already told you that I took the test for Findlay. In that test, I scored a 94 on the written test and a 95 on the typing test. I thought those tests were very, very easy. Turns out that Findlay is not currently hiring. They are just creating their hiring pool so when they DO need to hire, they will do it from the pool that I am now in.

Perrysburg, however, IS hiring now...one position.

So I took that written test last week, and I'll be honest, it was so hard, I almost quit. I finished the Findlay test in 45 minutes and walked out shaking my head thinking that anyone could pass that. Which is why most of us were called back for the typing test. You had to score a 70 percent (out of 100 questions) to pass it.

But the Perrysburg test was a completely different beast. It took me an hour and 45 minutes for 100 questions, and about an hour into it, I almost threw up my hands in frustration and walked out. I didn't think I would get the required 70 percent needed to move on to the next step. After all, they are only giving the typing test to the top 15 candidates. There were 250 people who applied, and a few more than 200 who showed up for the written test. The odds were very long.

This test was completely different from the Findlay test. At the beginning, they read off 13 pretend 911 calls in a row. We couldn't take notes or anything. We just had to sit and listen. While I am not allowed to share the questions (like I could remember them a week and a half later anyway!!), the first 20 questions were similar to "what was the license plate on the vehicle involved in incident number 3?" and "What was the address where the loud music complaint was reported?" Everything started sounding the same and I kept second-guessing myself. After the first 20 questions, they got even harder.

So I didn't think I was going to pass and I almost quit. I persevered, but I came home and told Jenn we could cross that possibility off of our list.

I got the results back yesterday, and it turns out that I passed after all with 81 percent. I figured I'd be around 60 percent. Not only did I pass, but I have been instructed to take the typing test. That means that I am one of the top 15 candidates!!!! Even if I don't get any farther, I am excited and relieved to have gotten this far.

The next step after I take the typing test is that they will interview the top 6 candidates twice, conduct background checks, drug tests, physicals and psychological evaluations, and choose the new employee.

Wish me luck. I'm back in this with a renewed sense of confidence and drive.

In other news, I applied for a VERY well-paying union job. It's not anything that I ever considered doing before, but the opportunity and the pay are very intriguing. I applied to that, and I have someone on the inside trying to help push me along. The bad news is that it would be second or third shift with some forced overtime. But the benefits and pay are amazing.

I also am working closely with a downtown businessman in Bowling Green on a new Internet market he is creating. We have almost completed the background work and within the next two weeks, we will be rolling out the product and actively marketing it to businesses in Bowling Green. Right now, I am working for free, but once businesses start signing on, he said it will turn into a paying job. So technically, I am an independent consultant and marketer who has yet to be paid. That part sucks, but I LOVE doing it. It's an exciting product and an exciting opportunity, and it will keep me in touch with local businesses and hopefully help me land a full-time job with someone else.

In other business, I have increase the size of my tie collection dramatically. I used to have just a few very outdated, ugly ties. I got rid of several of those, and have pretty much added one or two ties each month since February... and learned how to tie them correctly on my first attempt. Before, it was taking half an hour, untold numbers of tries, a few swear words, and an intervention so I wouldn't run the tie through a shredder or under the lawn mower!

Also, Kaleb started walking at only 8 1/2 months old, and we just can't believe it. It's just a few steps at a time...10 at the most so far, but he keeps adding steps each day.

Lots of cool things are happening, and I'm hoping that several job offers will come through at the same time, and I will have to choose the best one for me and the family! I found my old rabbit's foot at mom and dad's house last week, so I brought it home and hung it on the bulletin board by the computer to give me good vibes as I apply for jobs.

Wish me luck!!
-Greg