Monday, January 11, 2016

Where did they learn that?

Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby (pre-drama) both hosted a show called "Kids Say the Darndest Things."

It's so true, and my kids are no exception. Below are some crazy things my kids have said since 2010. This is by far not a complete list, but these are some of the things that got my attention at a time where I could either write it down here or share it on social media and recreate it here.

For as much of a challenge as raising two boys can be sometimes...especially when one of them isn't around as much as I wish he could be, what you are about to read below helps keep the laughter alive in our home. Its effect on me is similar to George Bailey reuniting with his family at the end of It's a Wonderful Life. I hope these make you smile, as well.

June 17, 2010: 
The (then) 20-month-old: (Climbing up on his high chair) I eat.
Me: Are you hungry?
The (then) 20-month-old: Horny!

December 1, 2012:
The (then) 4-year-old: When mommy grows up, she will be the princess. When I grow up, I will be the princess's Iron Man. When you grow up, you can be the princess's prince.
Me: What about your brother? What will he be when he grows up?
The (then) 4-year-old: Um....He'll be Bob.

December 3, 2012:
The (then) 4-year-old: Mom, count to Spanish. I got to uno.

July 8, 2013: (While fishing)
The (then) 4-year-old: "We're fishing 'cuz we need fish sticks."

July 8, 2013:
The (then) 4-year-old: (After his 9-year-old brother explains triple-a baseball and the difference between major league and minor league baseball) "Ugh. You make me tired."

December 15, 2013:
The (then) 5-year-old: (Sung in musical mash-up style) "Thumpety-thump-thump; It's what the fox say!"

December 23, 2013:
The (then) 5-year-old: My wiener hurts.
Me: It does?
The (then) 5-year-old: Yeah. It hurts when I pee. It's called Pee-Hurt-Itis.

March 16, 2014:
The (then) 5-year-old: What is a jukebox?
My wife: It plays music.
The (then) 5-year-old: I don't like the juice box.

March 16, 2014:
The (then) 5-year-old: My leg hurts. Can you kiss my leg pit?

June 1, 2014:
The (then) 5-year-old: "Blue jays and cardinals fight with their peckers."

June 3, 2014:
The (then) 5-year-old: "This chicken nugget tastes good with the stuff (breading) off of it. It tastes like chicken peeled."

June 10, 2014: (While driving past a cemetery)
The (then) 5-year-old: "There's the place we go to die."
Me: "Well, not exactly. You've already died when they bury you there."
The (then) 5-year-old: "Right. Mom....I'm going to be old like my dad before I die."

Fall 2014:
(while driving past his optometrist's office):
The 6-year-old: There's my eye dentist!

March 7, 2015:
The 6-year-old: "Why are you dropping me off at Uncle Ryan's?"
My Wife: "Because I have to go to work because somebody died" (she works in hospice).
The 6-year-old: "You just let let people die? I do NOT want a mom who just lets people die."

March 11, 2015:
The 6-year-old: Is that a water biome?
Me: Yes. How do you know what a biome is?
The 6-year-old: Minecraft.

March 15, 2015:
The Wife: "I'm happy to see you playing with your Legos instead of playing on your iPad."
The 6-year-old: "Yeah. I'm doing it for old time's sake."

April 1, 2015 (wishing his brother was sitting in the back seat with him):
The 6-year-old: "I'm trying to beg him with my sad eyes."

April 1, 2015 (playing baseball)
The 6-year-old: "The ball hit my tummy bone."

April 1, 2015 (to his 11-year-old brother)
The 6-year-old: "Is your girlfriend hot? How hot is she? Is she burning?"

May 11, 2015 (as told by my wife):
The 6-year-old: "Mom, Mackenzie is my girlfriend."
The Wife: "Oh? And what does that mean exactly?"
The 6-year-old: "That she's my best friend that's a girl. ****Long pause****And we love each other"
.....
Five minutes later...
The 6-year-old: " Mom, I know what making love is."
The Wife: *crickets*
The 6-year-old: "Do you?"
The Wife: pause pause pause.... "Yes? Can you tell me what that means?"
The 6-year-old: "It's where you hug and kiss and two hearts connect, and that's how you make love".
The Wife: "Yep."
The 6-year-old: "MOM!!! That means when WE HUG AND KISS WE'RE MAKING LOVE!!! Isn't that awesome?!?"
The Wife: *silently thanking God that we're in the car and NOT in public where that can be taken out of context* "Yep."

December 2, 2015:
The 12-year-old: I'm not going to be in choir next year. I mean, what are you supposed to do with your face?! How do you smile AND sing at the same time? It doesn't make sense!